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(no subject)
 9:28 PM
Tara Tvardovsky <t.tvardovsky@gmail.com>
to me
Okay, so you're pissed and rightly so, and I'm still wondering what the fuck I'm thinking. I knew damn well that things were going to go down like this. That you'd take my suggesting a break as more than what I mean it to be, because it sometimes seems like you have this uncanny ability to see and fixate on the very worst possible outcomes. I guess that's why I tried to stress so hard that I didn't want that. That all I want is a chance for us to be able to have some time to ourselves, to put things into perspective. We'd be doing it anyway, whether you want to realize it or not... hell, we already have been. We've gone so long since we've seen one another, though it wasn't for lack of trying. But even after all that, you continue to keep me at arms length, push me away I try to cheer you up when you're in a shitty mood, and maybe I took it wrong, but it seemed like you just sprung on me that you're going to E3 like I should have known. It didn't surprise me that you're going, it seems right up your alley, and more to the point, I don't care about the way it came up. In fact, I'm glad you're going; I think you need to go have fun and get your mind off of things, but I had no idea and you brought it up so casually and it took me a little by surprise. I guess that's when I decided to accept the invitation that I'd been sitting on for so long, because like I said, it kind of seemed a little like you wouldn't even notice that I'd gone in the first place. But instead of just going and keeping that from you, I wanted to be honest, to offer us both a chance to look at the bigger picture. To look and really evaluate things before shit actually does hit the fan. Honestly, even preparing myself for how you'd react to my proposal, it doesn't lessen the way it hurts. You can say all you want that you make me miserable, that I'm settling for you, that I only think I love you, but you're wrong. You are so fucking wrong. You didn't let me down. You do make me happy. You go out of your way to see to it that I am. Hell, it doesn't take a lot to get me there and I don't ask for much, I don't think. And if you didn't make me happy, if I didn't see some sort of good in our relationship, then I would have left a long time ago and closed this door. I just wish that you could see that, or at the very least, believe me when I say it. And if you think for a moment that making a decision like this doesn't tear me up inside, then you're wrong about that, too. What does make me hurt, what does make be sad beyond words is knowing that you're not happy. If you hate knowing that I'm not happy, then imagine how it feels from my end. Stop thinking you know everything that's going through my head, that you know what's best and think about how I actually feel. How much it hurts to have to hear you constantly put yourself down, to just go through the motions, knowing that you're miserable and that no matter how hard I try, nothing helps and knowing that you're always expecting me to just... give up. It takes a lot out of me, having to always remind you and feel like you're just never going to take my word. It's only a matter of time before I break down. Us splitting up was never what I wanted. All I want, all I ever wanted, was a chance for us to be able to look forward, to be together. To really be together... But imagine how hard it is for me to see that future together when I know that there might never be a time when you can really commit, because you'll just be waiting for that spark to catch fire and everything to just go to shit. If this is really what you want-- for this to be the end, because you don't think we can come back from this-- then that's your call. I told you I wasn't going to leave you, I told you that I will be here waiting when you get back from E3. You know I'm here and where I stand, but I won't be the one to strike that match. But if we break up, if that's what this is really coming to, then I need it to be because you think it's what's best for you, and even for us as a couple, not because you think you know what's best for me. I'm a grown woman, one that's headstrong and stubborn, no less, and I am fully capable of making my own decisions and doing so logically and rationally. I have been doing such for most of my life. So with all due respect? I don't need my boyfriend to dictate those things for me. That would be no different if it were you or anyone else. I have put myself out there, I have told you how I felt. I have spilled my guts to you because I know that we'd both be pissed if we kept this from one another. I have told you what I want, what my intentions are and that I hope that we can find a way to be better and stronger, both as people and as a couple. But it's a two way street, I can't do this without you. I can and will be confident, because I am confident in us, in the future we can have, but I need to know that you're in because it always sort of feels like you've just got one foot out the door. Love,
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