Drew,

It's late again and unsurprisingly, I can't sleep. My mind is going a million miles a minute and no matter what I do, I can't seem to get it to slow down for anything. The simple fact is that everything that has happened recently seems to be weighing on me in ways I don't think I wanted to realize, and like it or not, it's finally coming to a head. It's hard to put into words all of the feelings that I've been having, because they seem to run the whole gamut, but what I can say is that the sheer amount of anxiety pulsing through me since that night we discovered I could do whatever it is I can do and all that happened after is outrageous and most of the time, it feels like my body is basically vibrating with stress.

The especially shitty thing is that I already know what this is going to sound like, probably what it's going to feel like, but I promise you that it's not that. Not unless you want it to be. Still, it doesn't help quell the sick feeling in my stomach any, knowing that by the time you finish reading this, there is a chance that you won't want to speak to me and that you will have every reason to be angry with me for how I chose to do this. There is a part of me that wonders if maybe I ought to just man up and have the guts and the decency to do this in person, to look you in the eyes and say the words I need to say, but I don't actually know if I have the wherewithal to do that. It's selfish, but I don't know if I can stand to see you hurt or to start yet another fight I know that ultimately, I'm the cause of.

Now, I've never been good when nerves are involved. It just seems like so damn much and... I don't know, because reading the situation is so hard. One minute, it seems like we're okay, at least, and then the next it just sort of tailspins into something else entirely. I guess that's why I haven't tried, why I've just kept my distance, given space and let it be. But I know I ought to do something about it, and there's a certain guilt that follows that, that eats at me. That's why I'm doing this, though, I don't think it's fair to either of us for me to sit idly by and just let it be.

The fact is you're right thinking that I'm not happy. But you knew that already. I'm not always, and most of the time, the large majority of the time, it's nothing to do with you. It's nothing to do with us.

My life is in a constant state of flux right now and it seems, sometimes, like I'm losing control of it and it's goddamn hard. Every day, I think maybe resigning from my job was the stupidest thing I've ever done. I just shut the door on a whole chapter of my life and I'm not sure where to go from here. I wonder where the Hell I even fit into the real world and honestly? I don't know if I do anymore. I don't know how to be a civilian, I don't know what I want to do now or where I'm meant to go. It scares the shit out of me, because I'm not used to not having answers, not having a plan, and I just don't talk about it because I don't want anyone to worry. Then I remember why I left... I remember all the things that have been taken away from me and all the energy that job sucked out of me, never being able to really settle down until I was stationed back here. I remember all the secrets and lies and coercion, I remember all of the bad shit that I had to do-- all the things that are far from legal and are only justified because I was doing them for the right reasons, because the government told me to... Most importantly, I think about the life I can and do have now, and how I don't have to worry about the people I care about becoming collateral damage because I took some misstep. It makes it worth it, it calms me down. I have a new chance at a life I never really got to have.

But sometimes it is this relationship. I try hard, maybe sometimes too hard, to be the person you need me to be, and I realize that sometimes that might be too much, that maybe I'm coming on too strong. And I know that can probably get annoying, which I apologize for. Those are the times where I start to pull away. Which I know is stupid. I'm working on it. But half the time you speak to me in clipped words and phrases and I don't know what to say, and it feels like maybe it's just better if I don't. There are times where I try to be assertive and confident and feeling like I'm just constantly walking into a wall, because you shoot me down and you push me away. It's knowing that there is every possibility that I can pour all that I have and all that I am into this, promise you things until I'm blue in the face, but it just never really feels like you really trust me, like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Frankly, that sucks and it's hard to fight the feeling that no matter how hard I try to do better and be better, it'll never be enough. Sometimes it feels like I'll never be enough.

I meant what I said when I told you how I felt. That hasn't changed, and it isn't going to. And it breaks my heart to see you so sad, to watch you so resolved to a life of misery, not knowing how to help you or how to make it better. I want to help you, I want to be there for you but it's so hard because it seems you never let me close enough, never tell me what you need. All I can assume is that maybe you need to do that on your own, to fight your own battle. Maybe you need to talk to someone who is completely detached from the situation. I don't know. But that isn't going to change that I will be there for you every step of the way if you want me to be.

What I can say is that I know it sucks and it hurts and it's hard to see a future when the past has so epically fucked you over. But it doesn't have to be that way forever. Recognize that you have held out and trudged through all of the shit you have been through and come out of it, a little worse for wear, maybe, but you did it and you're still standing. Whether you realize it or not, it makes you a little bit wiser and a little stronger and every step you have taken is something not to be taken lightly, because despite those hurdles, you still got up and kept going. I know it can be so daunting just to put yourself out there, to open up and be raw and exposed and you did that, and with me, no less. No one should make you feel as if that isn't a certain kind of strength that ought to be celebrated. But you constantly discount yourself and beat yourself up, you let yourself live for the past because you can't see a future.

If I'm honest, I didn't think I had a future, I didn't think I had anything to lose. I lived each day like it was my last, because there were countless times that it could have been, maybe even some where it should have been. Then that all changed and the front I had built for myself over the years, that made it easy for me to move from one place, one job, one person to the next, began to unravel. I realized that I could have real friends, I could be closer with my family, I could have a chance at actually living the life I really wanted to be living, to not have to worry if I was going to burn out or be killed or wind up in some foreign prison with no real way out... And yes, that's largely to do with you, because you were the first person who I ever felt comfortable enough with to really let my guard down. You opened a door for me, and I'm not looking back. Not now, not ever.

The future is whatever you want it to be, but you need to chose to take that step and you need to get angry and you need to not let anything stand in your way, not even your own anxieties. I can't tell you what that future holds and I can't promise it will always be easy. But I can promise that no matter what, you won't have to go it alone. No matter what happens, I will always be there in your corner.

On Saturday morning, I'm boarding a plane to London and I won't be back until the 15th. I've been invited to speak at the International Conference on Cyber Situational Awareness, and I think, hopefully, it will also provide a chance for figuring out just where I can start taking that next big step in my life. It's a good opportunity for my future and a huge honor to even be invited to speak.

The funny thing is that I wasn't even sure I should tell you, because I could probably go and come back and you'd never even notice because you'll be at E3 the whole time I'll be gone, but I promised I wouldn't leave without telling you and I don't intend on breaking that... Which is all the more reason for us both to take time to focus on ourselves, on enjoying time apart, on our own.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think we need to take a step back and reevaluate this whole dynamic, I think that means taking a break. And before you say, "I told you so. The L-Bomb equals disaster, et cetera," know that this isn't my intention, that I hope with my whole heart that it doesn't have to be that way. I don't want this to be the end all be all by any stretch, but we both need to learn to take more care about ourselves so we can better care for the people in our lives. We owe it to ourselves and to one another, to be our best selves and I think, right now, neither of us really are. Above all, I want to thank you, for always being there for me when I needed you most, and when I didn't even know that I needed it... even sometimes when I didn't want you to be there, and I want to say sorry if I ever made you feel like your effort wasn't appreciated. Even at our worst, I have and will always care about you. You might frustrate me sometimes and challenge me more than any person I have ever met, but you have also advocated for me, supported me and never let me down. You are first and foremost my best friend and my confidant. And I'm not going anywhere, not if I can help it.

Hopefully I'll see you when you get back from California.