Are you actually going to answer all of these questions?
• woah woah, let me stop you there, before you say anything. yes: i'm going to start at the end,
just so i can tell you that i'm going to do my best to trudge through all 127 questions you diligently copied and pasted into this thing. why? because i'm nice like that. because
i care. i hope you know this means i like you. (and also because you told me i had "better answer them all, tara!")
What were you like when you were a kid?
• i dont remember a lot from when i was real little. but i was always curious and a little precocious. i remember one time, when i was five and the clock in the kitchen broke. my dad had fallen asleep on the couch and i wanted to fix it for him before he woke up. had no idea what the fuck i was doing, but i climbed up on a chair anyway and pulled it off the wall and then immediately lost my balance and fell flat on my ass... on top of the clock, smashing it to pieces.
When was the first time that you had beer? What happened?
• must've been no older than ten, maybe on the verge of eleven. one of my foster siblings stole it from the old man's fridge and we took them out back and drank them down without a second thought. about halfway through the second one, i puked it all up and then stumbled, totally shitfaced, toward the house, where i fell into a rose bush and fell asleep. twenty-four hours later, the old man fostering me dropped me back at the orphanage with scrapes all over my face and arms from the thornes.
If you had a billion dollars, what would you do with it?
• fuck if i know. i'd probably have a heart attack and die before i had a chance to spend any of it.
What would your dream house be like?
• this is something i've never honestly thought about before. but i imagine it'd have a big back yard and a dog and a massive sewing room and an office that probably would wind up looking like a computer graveyard. maybe a massive cat tree for ulbie, too.
If you could change something about yourself, what would it be & why?
• if you know me, you know that i can be angry and capricious on occasion, prone to bouts of jealousy and sometimes i worry too much or fret over silly things that i can't control, so it doesn't help that my lack of interpersonal skills sometimes work against me. but those are all my not so awesome traits and i take them in stride. at the end of the day, though, i like who i am and there isn't anything i would change.
Describe your fighting style: drunken master or angry monkey?
What last made you laugh?
• you, probably. or my idiot cat.
What music do you listen to the most?
• lately it's been a lot of bad alt-country, melodic metal and shitty quasi hip hop, but it tends to vary. i just don't care for a lot of things that would normally be played on the radio or EDM or trance or shit like SUNN O))) or any dark ambient/noise bands.
How often do you really "go out"?
• almost never. the last time i went out was st. patrick's day and i think that filled my quota for the next month, at least. i don't count those times i come see you at work because i'm pretty sure socializing with more than three people is required to count as "going out."
Have you ever lost anyone you loved?
• too many. next question...
What sound or noise do you love?
• the moment the coffee pot starts brewing. ulbie meowing when i get home. the sound of a beer being cracked open at the end of the long day. there's also something disgusting and sentimental about you that i could say here but i'm not going to because i have a reputation to uphold.
On a scale of 1-5 how organized are you?
• Blah blah blah, controlled chaos, blah. Four.
Do you exercise regularly? If so, how often?
• does running the gun course count as working out? what about marathon coding? hours of marvel versus capcom? no? okay... so probably not as often as I ought to, but I do yoga three times a week and once the weather stops sucking again, I'll start running more often. I also do a lot of hand-to-hand combat trainings at work.
What is your zodiac sign?
• aries, tiger, whatever other mystical nonsense you want to talk about here.
Have any nick names? If so, what?
• Um. Tara?
Name a movie or movies you can watch over and over?
• Star Wars. Always star wars. just not the prequels. because fuck those. there are a lot of other ones i could watch continuously and have (let's talk about the time i warped my copy of repo! the genetic opera...)
Do you have tattoos? If yes, how many and where are they?
• two. on my body... so descriptive, right? yeah, i know.
What was your worst subject in school?
• so when i was in my first year of my undergrad, i had to take a phys ed credit and i thought, "hey, bowling sounds easy and like it wouldn't require a lot of physical exertion!" (i was like seventeen, i was still learning to be a human...) but long story short, i'm awful at bowling and i'm pretty sure i'm not allowed back into that particular bowling alley since i don't think they'll ever forget that i broke one of the floorboards with a bowling ball.
Do you like to dance?
• are you asking me to go dancing with you?
Name your 2 favorite colors and why?
• teal and cerulean blue.
Do people tell you that you act older, younger, or your age?
• I got carded for beer last week. It was pretty awesome. That doesn't actually answer the question, but I don't give a fuck.
Do you regret anything?
Do you take showers in the morning or at night more?
• i take showers whenever i can. sometimes that's at 6am, sometimes it's at 6pm, sometimes it's at one in the morning. it just sort of depends on how the day has gone and when i got home from work.
Do you trust easily?
• nope.
Do you have any phobias?
• Yup.
Are you a heavy or light sleeper?
• i've been a light sleeper ever since i was a kid. i don't know exactly why or what it is, i just wake up to the dumbest things.
3 physical features you get complimented on a lot?
• i've been told a time or seven that i have nice eyes and a nice smile, or that i should "smile more often" or something to that effect. the other day, some guy cat-called me while i was out running and boisterously told me what a sweet ass i had. i threw a rock at him.
Name your least favorite feature?
• my left boob is a half a cup size smaller than my right? does that count?
Name the clothing store you shop at the most?
• Target, old navy and Nordstrom, probably, if i'm actually going into the store. i do a lot of online shopping at revolve clothing, jinx and think geek.
Ever had a one night stand? If so, how many and do you regret any of them?
• look. i am a woman. i have needs...
Current friend that you have known the longest?
• probably joel. definitely joel.
Name someone you can tell just about anything to?
• that fat bastard, ulbie. he's the best. he doesn't judge me too harshly and will always come and cuddle with me when all is said and done. and i guess drew's a close second.
Where were you born?
• podolsk, moscow... that would be in the motherland. the icy north. russia. it's actually awful.
How many floors does your home have?
• two.
Your best friend dies, what would you do?
• have a funeral for my cat. sit shiva. probably lose ten pounds and fall into a deep depression because that little fucker is the best.
When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt? when was it? during the day. how was it?
• this is something that i've been working on pretty consistantly for a while now. i have a track record of bottling up and keeping things to myself, but i've been trying more and more at this honesty thing lately and i think, so far, it's going okay? i mean, i'm not going to go volunteering my secrets and talking about my feelings to just anyone, but. there's been significant personal growth.
What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?
• i tend not to give anything up without a fight, but there's a few things, things i won't talk about in public aside from vague mentions and sarcastic remarks that work as a means of distraction, things that actually mean something pretty significant to me, that i'll fight that much harder for.
If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had "no regrets" what would it be?
• probably back to the second i thought it was a good idea to do this spotlight thing, so i could throw a pillow at your head.
Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call? (and it can't be the ghostbusters).
• beetlejuice. and then i would go out there with my gun and tell them to get the fuck away from my window because that's fucking creepy.
Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
• I would. I'm cold. I'm not heartless. And I'm also pretty sure I'd get in a significant amount of trouble. However, I will point out that mouth to mouth is an antiquated method and that compressions are recommended until medical responders arrive and can bag the person having issues.
Are you old fashioned?
• not particularly, no.
Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
• well i've never really been in love before, so i guess i'm already covered here, aren't i?
If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish?
Why is it only drug dealers and software developers call their clients 'users'?
• Do drug dealers call their clients "users"? I feel like I need to get a second opinion on this.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
• no, bitch, it was made out of seashells. get out of here with your math puns.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• hang on, i need to go talk to some infants, conduct a case study...
How is it possible to have a civil war?
• okay, george carlin, sit your ass down.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
• i feel like this could be a scene from saw, where people are forced to wear ankle weights and do a synchronized routine while chained together at the waist...
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• i am going to smother you with a pillow.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• successfully failed. you are an oxymoron.
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
• fuck you, i'm going to play space invaders.
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• because shooting people is illegal, sweetie.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
• i'm not even going to dignify this with a response.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
• There is no copyright on the copyright symbol.
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
• it isn't just a calculator, it's every 10-key pad and most people assume that it has to do with the fact that rotary telephones were already laid out in a clockwise position, so when they were developing the touch tone phone, they kept the layout to make it simplier to navigate... but also probably to make assholes ask this kind of question.
Do fish ever get thirsty?
• dear person who asked this question, science called, they want you to shut the fuck up and read a book. (but fun fact, saltwater fishes gills actually have a special mechanism that helps them to excrete the excess salt they take in when consuming water.)
Can you get cornered in a round room?
• can you get rounded in a room with corners? why are you in a round room? i have so many questions.
what does ok actually mean?
• i'll just leave this right here for you.
Are you going to hit me for sending you all of these?
• let's preface this by saying that i took a deep breath and did my best to center my chi or whatever before answering this question. no. i won't hit you. if only because i'm pretty sure that would be some sort of domestic abuse or something and also because i'm pretty sure you know by now that if i didn't want to do something, i probably wouldn't.
Do you prefer spontaneity or stability?
• a little of both? is that an option? or would that be cheating? the thing is that i like having a plan, it keeps everything in line... but on the flip side, i also know that things don't always go according to plan and sometimes you have to improvise. at any rate, i tend to function best during controlled chaos and like to think i can be flexible if it's called for. it might not make me overly happy sometimes, but i deal.
What is your favorite word?
• in english? "kerfuffle." which i actually don't use enough, probably. in russian, though, it's probably жесть (pronounced 'zhest') which is... well, it's weird and depending on who you ask, you'll get different answers on the meaning. if you translate it, it'll say "tin" or "gesture" and maybe those are right in a literal sense, but it actually is used akin to saying something is fucked up in a bad way... or, it's kind of the verbal equivalent of flipping someone off.
What is your least favorite word?
• let's all take a moment to talk about the word yolo. first of all, it isn't actually a word... stop fucking using it as one. secondly, stop using it all together. third, if you want to only live once, how about a nice swift punch to the face for talking like a douchebag? #yolo
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
• we can talk about this privately...
What turns you off?
• two words: poor hygiene. ... wait, i lied. also sausage fingers. so i guess that's five words.
What is your favorite curse word?
• up until about six seconds ago, my favorite curse word was literally any compound you could make of a curse word and any other random word (see: assbag, shitmonster, fuckwad, etc etc) but then i took a buzzfeed quiz. what buzzfeed quiz? this buzzfeed quiz! and while taking this quiz, i stumbled upon the word "cockwomble" which has taken the highest of honors now. also, according to that quiz, cockwomble being my favorite word means: "You are talented. What are your talents? Much like the amount of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know. But you have some. Or maybe just one really good one. Yay!" ... i'll take it.
What is your full name?
• Taryn Aloyna Tvardovsky. And as a fair warning to anyone who thinks about calling me Taryn without good reason: I will rip your tongues out and feed them to you.
When is your birthday?
• In March. You missed it. (Not you, Drew, just everyone else.) Don't make it weird.
Which do you prefer: giving or receiving?
• Is it too soon to use that Katy Perry gif again? Would that be weird? Would it be cheating?
Ever had an imaginary friend as a child?
• Not that I remember. Unless you count the characters in books and movies as imaginary friends... in which case, I had about a thousand or so because I totally LARPed all on my own all the time until i was like fifteen.
Ever been skinny dipping?
• I may or may not have gotten kicked out of the colonnade when i was twenty, because an old friend of mine and i thought it would be fun to sneak in and swipe a couple bottles of champagne, then go skinny dipping in the rooftop pool. woops?
Ever been in a physical fight? If yes how many and who were they with?
Do you wear pajamas to places other than at your house?
• i don't even wear pajamas at my house. not really. unless you count leggings and yoga pants and ugly sweaters as pajamas...
Have you ever stolen anything from a store or from someone?
• i may or may not have quick, sticky fingers when the time calls for it. but mostly i just steal pens and post it notes from the office.
Ever been in any legal trouble?
• i am legal trouble.
Name 5 of the most important things in your life?
• my cat, my bed, oxygen, toilet paper and burt's bees chapstick... was i supposed to say something mushy here?
How many languages can you speak and what are they?
• ... more than a couple, less than a dozen. but primarily i stick to english and russian.
Ever come close to death?
• if i told you that, i'd have to kill you.
Ever broken any bones?
• only about twenty of them...
When you die, would you rather be buried or cremated?
• i try not to think that far ahead. although i hear throught the grapevine you can get a great deal on caskets from costco or walmart...
Do you play any instruments? If so, what?
• i tried to play the piano once, on and off, when i was a kid. there are many things i'm good at, but playing an insturment was not something i was blessed with being able to do.
Have you been told you can sing well more than once?
• okay so some old lady told me once after a rousing rendition of "black velvet" that i was a "goddamn karaoke rockstar", which i'm inclined to agree with and have carried with me since... even if it's only in my own head. i really should just keep my singing to the shower and nothing else. spare everyone else the pain of having to hear it. (but honestly, i think i make up for my lack of instrumental prowess with them pipes, but i could be wrong. i don't trust anyone at karaoke because they're usually all drunk and just glad for someone who isn't totally tone deaf.)
Are you a morning person?
• only if i absolutely have to be.
Ever had surgery? If yes, for what reason?
• when i was really young, i had to have my apendix taken out because it was ruptured in a car accident. i don't really remember the whole thing all that well, which i'm pretty okay with. it could have been worse. i still have a pretty gross scar, but it's faded a lot.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• because it's still dairy and still expires. next question.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• i'm just going to leave thi here.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
• haven't you ever heard about not using magic for personal gain? that shit never ends well.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• i'd hope his hands are always washed with soap.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• why don't you go ask a psychic?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• because by definition, darkness is the absence of light, and returns when light leaves. bearing that in mind, the "speed of dark" is fundamentally the same as the speed of light. so. there you go. #scienced
If you add your username to your ignore list, would you not be able to read your own posts?
Why is there braille on a drive up ATM machine?
• because someone somewhere wanted some asshole to ask this question.
Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
• See above.
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
• now all i'm wondering is if frogs get cramps...
How can there be self-help groups?
• okay, maybe i won't make it through all 127 of these...
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
• because i think answering them might actually be killing brain cells.
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
• LOOK IT'S A DUPLICATE QUESTION. what the fuck. fail fail fail.
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
• i think the better question is why is someone having a mid-life crisis playing hide and seek? do they have kids? or is it a nice recreational game of adult hide and seek because i'm pretty sure that could lead to a whole slew of other questions that might amount of unlawful imprisonment...
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• from a strictly professional standpoint, it's a psych situation and that person needs to be taken into immediate medical care. that aside? yes.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
• i smell a little shop of horrors situation brewing...
Is there another word for synonym?
• metonym. equivalent and analogue are options, as well, just a little less so.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• no.
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
• hang on, i think i have to throw up.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
• ugh. are these done yet?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• that's wasteful, shut up.
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• i think there's someone out there that talks to birds, you ought to ask him.
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• they set forest fires.
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
• maybe mice tast like fish. have you ever eaten a mouse before? you don't know.
Why do they report power outages on TV?
• because logically, maybe you're out to dinner and there's television and you notice that your area is out and you go "oh shit" and then don't go home and decide to go to a movie instead.
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
• religious superstition is stupid.
If a pin drops in a noisy classroom does anyone hear it hit the floor?
• maybe? you'd have to ask one of those noisy ass children that's sitting close to where the pin drops. maybe they have killer hearing.
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• there are actually a lot of reasons they used to nail down the lids of coffins, though it isn't common practice anymore. in some cultures, they would nail down the lids to prevent the deceased from rising again and becoming revenants or vampires or zombies or what have yous while in other practices it was simply to prevent the lids from bouncing open during transport. these days you usually just see hinges.
Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?
• didn't this question already get asked?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
• isn't it called rainfall? i'm pretty sure it's rainfall in this respect. and on that note, it's a snow flake and a rain drop... this is a really poorly worded question.
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on Start? (I want to point out this question originally said Windows 98 and I groaned...)
• Why do you hit the play button on a video game remote to pause the game? It's sort of like the how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop question? the world may never know.
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• are you actually trying to drive me insane?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• i'm going to go out on a limb and say it has something to do with the fact that fresh lemon juice is parishable and wouldn't last if not refridgerated, where, duh, dishwashing liquid doesn't need that... likewise, i want to know how high the person who thought of this was, because why?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
• BECAUSE IT COUNTS THE SECONDS.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
• that's why they make nests?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
• at least you're not asking about the chicken or the egg. #blessed
What should one call a male ladybird?
• he is a goddamn lady and don't you forget that.
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
• first of all, THE WORDING HERE IS GODAWFUL. but. it depends on the type of amnesia. a better question is, once cured, can one remember what they learned during an amensiac episode? because that's a little more complicated... can i have amnesia, please? pretty please? it would make all these questions a little less painful.
Can you blow a balloon up under water?
• how about you take a balloon and hop into a pool and try that out for me. you know. for science.
Are you sick of answering these questions yet?
• holy crap holy crap holy crap it's the last one and i can hardly believe it. i'm so excited i can hardly contain it. but. i got sick of answering them like fifty something questions ago. but i kept going. because i fucking care. because i am a good girlfriend. because i'm nice. and you should know that there will be a quiz. because if you fucking made me answer all of these, then goddamnit, you better have read all of them, drew.
